Since I have encouraged the women to re-consider their view of their spouse, it seems only fitting that I give some helpful tips for the men. If any of you women out there know what I mean, you can pass this on to them.
- Birthdays, Holidays, Valentine’s Day --- they are important. You may consider them “Hallmark Holidays” but she does not.
- Figure out what she needs and provide it. I am not talking diamond rings or expensive cars. Simply put, women usually need to know they are loved.
- It is your job to figure out how she feels loved just as it is her job to convey that truth to you.
- Cards have meaning. It is hardly the sentiment on the card but I would avoid rude ones. The card translates to “ he was thinking of me.”
- Flowers can never hurt unless she is allergic. Yes there is the rare woman who thinks they are a waste of money. Do it anyway.
- If you act like one of the kids, you will treated like one of the kids. In other words, be a big guy and act like her partner not like her whiney child or authoritative dad.
- At least once per day stop thinking about what you need. Consider what she might need. A glass of water, an offer to do the dishes, a willingness to take one of her tasks off of her hands.
- Notice I haven’t mentioned sex....... I will get to that.
- No.... not yet
- You have probably all heard the analogies to the microwave vs. the crockpot when it comes to men and women and readiness to have sex. It isn’t always true but I have found it true more often than not.
- Think of a crockpot....... It starts cool and SLOWLY warms and stays warm for a long time. Now think microwave, Cold to Hot in 60 seconds.
- Be a crockpot. Pretend to be a crockpot. Just know she ain’t a microwave.
- Maybe it’s that corpus callosum that is so darn busy, but women cannot stop the multitasking that they do. If the kids are stirring, if the laundry is not done, if she is exhausted, she is preoccupied.
- Commiserate, understand, don’t pout.
- Men, hear this. Once there are kids, you are not her first priority. At least, not always. Being a fabulous father to these kids can go a long way to moving you up on the pecking order. This can be very threatening but it doesn’t need to be. The children have needs greater than yours when they are little. They are not little for ever. Be patient.
- Encourage her to go out with her friends. Many women come home happier than they left. It is okay that you cannot be all things to her. Who wants that responsibility anyway?
- Sleep-------- the biggest need for women with small children. If you ask her what she wants more than anything, it won’t be sex; it will be SLEEP. Offer for her to sleep in, take a nap, a night away for SLEEP not SEX. She will love you for it.
- Do not pout. Pouting is very cute when the three year old does it. The big lip, the water filled eyes, very adorable. When a 6 foot man does it, it is pitiful. She will not feel sorry for you and it won’t lead to sex... at least not mutually gratifying sex.
- Be her friend. Tell her she looks great, when she does. Ask her how her day was. Be interested in her thoughts, wishes, dreams. Do not go into solution mode unless it is requested.
- If you have no idea how to do this last one, call a specialist.
- Re read all the above and memorize it. Women aren’t that complicated.
Maureen Houtz, M.A. is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Ventura,CA. She is the director of CornerOffice Consulting and Psychotherapy. Using humor, narrative and systems theory have been the nature of her work for over 23 years. Greater self-understanding is one of the more important gifts you can give to your relationships. Maureen is married and has two daughters 20 and 17. Maureen can be reached via email at mthoutz@gmail.com.You can also check out her website at www.corneroffice.info.
