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This holiday season, I had the pleasure of seeing "A Christmas Tuna," a two-man play for 20 characters set in the third smallest town in Texas. It is rich with humor and compassion even as one family knows the father will either come home drunk or not at all for Christmas Eve. Another character, Vera, wants to win the Christmas yard display trophy for the 15th year but is foiled by three old ladies who steal the live sheep and use day-glow paint to decorate the parts of the wise men. Two waitresses win the contest instead with two life-size cowboys in stockings, hanging from the Tasty Freeze roof. Didi, owner of the gun store, answers the phone, "If we can't kill it, it's immortal." She sings, smokes and decorates the tree with a skull in stocking cap even as she supports her good friends. There are tender moments when Aunt Pearl gives her nephew Stanley a one-way bus ticket out of Tuna to restart his life; when Peetie at the Humane Society beds down the runaway sheep with the iguana and coyote he has rescued; when Arlis reaches out to Bertie at the radio station party assuring she deserves more than her drunk husband. Laughter stands close to tears that turn into sweetness. When I saw the play 15 years ago, I loved the Texas humor but mostly felt the underlying sadness. I had made a life I loved in Colorado: inspiring work; handsome, caring husband; and smart, funny, beautiful daughter. I left Waco, Texas, to make this life. Growing up, my dad was alcoholic and I knew about Christmas Eve full of disappointment. I knew people who lived for Christmas decoration trophies and thought them shallow. Many of my aunts were the waitresses - uneducated, unmarried, having to support kids. Some of my cousins were Stanley and instead of leaving town, created their own drama and went to jail. I had not seen deeply nor forgiven the past enough to love and incorporate the wisdom of these characters into myself. This season my heart opened and I saw them differently. I understood that laughter and tears are not opposites. Neither are clarity and kindness, aloneness and community, uniqueness and commonality; ideal and deep self. We need all of these qualities to be fully human and authentic. The characters, like those in my real Texas life, gave me the ability to see humor in not-so-perfect situations; to just "get it done" no matter the barriers; and to appreciate the complexity of living. Because of my background that comes right out of "Tuna, Texas" I can work with virtually anyone at any level or status and have the compassionate humor that names the dark side, which in no way discounts the beauty of the bright side. For the qualities in the play and in myself, I am grateful. A development in my profession, Polarity Management®, has helped me understand more fully and use paradoxical wisdom in individuals, leaders, and organizations. The approach provides a map so we can reap the benefits of qualities that seem opposite and helps stop the either-or thinking that plots us against ourselves and others.
To demonstrate - the most basic polarity is Yin and Yang, often called Feminine and Masculine. The assumption of Polarity Management® is that you must embrace both sides of the polarity to get the upsides of both, listed in the map. If you stay on one pole, you get only the downsides. The downsides of Yin include paralysis, depression and the inability to draw boundaries. The downsides of Yang include abuse, focus on the bottom line and disregard for people. Women leaders often are trapped when they are perceived as feminine or masculine. They are caring or competent; cooperative or competitive; family or work oriented; focused on self or other. When women demonstrate feminine behaviors, we fit the stereotype but are not seen as leaders. When we demonstrate our competent, competitive, work oriented, focus on self, we fit the Yang qualities but are dubbed aggressive and worse. Polarity Management ® helps us understand that we can experience the power of both/and. In fact, male and female leaders who are both collaborative and competitive, task and relationally oriented, able to manage both stability and change are the ones labeled great and the results of their organizations show the greatness in the bottom line. In our personal lives, we do not have to choose between being receptive and assertive, loving and directive, inclusive and capable of setting boundaries. We can be all of those things. This holiday season, notice when you want to be open and when diplomacy is needed; when you want alone time and when it is time to be with others; how you can feel sadness in the season as well as open-hearted joy. Do not restrict yourself: Tap into the power and peace of opposites.
Dr. Elaine Yarbrough is president of The Yarbrough Group, a consulting firm in Boulder, Colo., that provides a wide range of services worldwide. Her specialty is developing women's unique leadership capacities. Over the past 32 years, she has assisted more than 500 organizations, including business, education, government, and human services. Dr. Yarbrough has published three books and numerous articles. She taught at the University of Colorado, where she received every university teaching award. She has worked in 26 countries on five continents. She lives at the edge of the Rocky Mountains with her husband; they can be found hiking and skiing. Send your questions to Elaine@smartnow.com. |
