The sexual revolution suggests that if we are single women between ages 45 and 59 - now over 30 percent of all females this age - we can (and should) initiate sexual adventures and seek new romantic/sexual partners. Newspapers, magazines, talk shows and films feature story after story of middle-aged single women blossoming sexually.

This is an important correction to the stereotypes that once prevailed. Women were not expected to enjoy sex, and any female with a strong libido -- especially a "middle-aged" women -- was regarded as suspect or even deviant. Now the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction. For midlife females who want to remain sexually active, it's great to have this new cultural validation. But women with less sexual desire or opportunity may feel inferior.

One of the most difficult tasks for mature single women who don’t have a monogamous sexual partner, is figuring out our sexual desires and how to meet them. A recent AARP survey of U.S. singles between 40 and 59 www.aarpmagazine.org/lifestyle/a2003-09-23-survey_results.html )
found that for those without a steady partner, only 4 percent of women and 12 percent of men had weekly sexual intercourse. For those in their 40s, 46 percent of both single women and men had not had sex in the prior six months; while in their 50s, 61 percent of women and 39 percent of men had not made love in the last half-year — and it was not an issue.

In 2004 a random sample of American women and men over age 45, in rating what is important to their quality of life, did not put “a satisfying sexual relationship” high on their list. More important is being in good spirits, being healthy and active, having close ties with friends and family, financial security, personal independence, spiritual well-being, having productive work and contributing to society. Seventy-three percent believe that there is too much emphasis on sex in our culture today.

These findings point to the need for recognition of individual variation in what we desire as midlife singles. Deciding what kinds (if any) sex one enjoys, feeling positive about it, and acknowledging that one’s sexual desires may change over time is not easy. In my own studies, I have discovered a range from celibacy and non-live-in monogamy, to healthy sexual affairs not based on love but still filled with good sex and shared interests.

Society needs more recognition of the importance of sensuality and nonsexual passion in our lives, what I and others have termed “sensuous celibacy” (see Donna Marie Williams, Sensual Celibacy) — part of the sexual spectrum rather than a problem to be overcome. The emphasis on genital sexuality neglects the importance of sensuality, especially that which an individual can realize without a partner, such as the sensuality in food, clothing, art, travel, spiritual rituals, music and dance.

During my research for "The New Single Woman," one ever-single woman in her late 40s told me of her love of flamenco dancing, which she finds intensely passionate and sensual. A married colleague in her 50s described e the joy she got from gardening: "I love the touch, the fragrance and the delicacy of flowers; they are definitely charged with passion and sensuality for me." Other women luxuriate in the aromatic, tactile and sensory stimulation they get while cooking.

Some single middle-aged women are seeking to make nonmonogamy an acceptable practice. I found that those who had an intense sexual drive and acted on it in a thoughtful way fostered autonomy and a strong sense of self.

Take Dorothy: “For a while I thought I shouldn’t go to bed with anyone unless they were a serious candidate for marriage,” Dorothy remembered. “But soon I said to hell with that; there may never be a serious candidate. I shifted into enjoying someone, having an affair for fun, and to find someone with whom to travel.” After every affair, Dorothy has an AIDS test to protect her next lover. “I try to be very responsible,” she said.

Dorothy meets men through her sports activities, through friends, in her neighborhood, through personal ads in newspapers and through Match.com on the Internet. She is no more confident than anyone else that she will find love or a permanent relationship, but Dorothy is in control of her sexual quest. Her ability to separate her sexual desires from a desire for intimacy or a permanent partnership gives her confidence that she can negotiate vulnerable situations. She is more open to new partners, less nervous about whether he is the one, and less afraid that she will be hurt. This sexual autonomy increases Dorothy’s acceptance of single life.

For women who love sex, or who long for sex within an affectionate partnership, the sensual pleasures of dancing, gardening or cooking will not be enough. But for others it is not only enough, but preferable. We need to view sex as one, but only one, of the elements that enhance our lives. Let's recognize that there are many forms of sensuality, and acknowledge the complexity and variety of passion.

Sociologist Kay Trimberger (www.kaytrimberger.com) is the author of "The New Single Woman." She earned her PhD in sociology at the University of Chicago. Dr. Trimberger has taught at various universities around the country including Columbia University, Barnard College, Queens College, UC-Berkeley and UC-Santa Barbara. She is professor emerita of women's and gender studies at Sonoma State and visiting scholar for the study of social change at UC-Berkeley. Dr. Trimberger lives in Northern California. Send your questions to Kay@smartnow.com.